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Most prefessional athletes are not only in top-notch condition, but are also A-1 douchebags. Hundred million dollar contracts, and their status as idols to children all over the world, have inflated their ego’s to epic proportions, and I’ve had enough. So I decided to pay homage to the great fictional athletes of our generation. These fake, albeit stunning individuals who shot and scored their way in to our hearts are honored in order below.
Find out if your favorite fake athlete made the cut
Fuck everybody, Forrest Gump, played by Tom Hanks is by far and away the greatest fictional athlete all-time. Period. First of all, one can only assume he ran back every kick for a touchdown at Alabama State, and was no doubt inducted in to the College Football Hall of Fame. Then he went to the war, and after being forced out of action, became a world champion ping-pong icon. And if that wasn’t enough, he ran clear across the country and back, and has to be considered on of the great track athletes ever as well. He outran a car in the beginning of the movie for God’s sake! Forrest Gump dominated three sports, which is why he is unquestionably at the top of the list.
Rocky, portrayed by Sylvester Stallone in all six films in the franchise, is the penultimate underdog, who endures and endures throughout every film, despite having his head caved in on several occasions. His ability to carry logs up and down mountains in the snow, and hit large peices of meat is impressive, but when he beats Ivan Drago, who claims ‘I will break you’ before the fight in Rocky IV, is when the Italian Stallion truly earned his stripes. His knack for getting knocked to the mat and being able to bounce right back up, plus never giving up despite the odds, catapults Rocky Balboa to nearly the top of the list.
The Natural had the sweetest stroke ever seen, and used it to hit longballs out of every stadium in the majors for The New York Knights. His realistic fallability, and a proneness to gambling and women make him a believable character, albeit one with super-natural baseball powers. He could not only hit, but in the beginning of the movie strikes out ‘The Whammer’ a character based on Babe Ruth with three straight pitches. Robert Redford as Roy Hobbs checks in at number three.
The pride of Indiana led his small town school to the state championship, and captured America’s heart along the way with his silky smooth jumpshot. Hoosiers is the most classic basketball film you’ll find, and the clean cut Chitwood is without a doubt the best player on his team. If it weren’t for him, Gene Hackman would have turned to the bottle and the good people of Indiana would have to accept David Letterman as their favorite son
Adam Sandler, as the stuttering and shy Bobby Boucher, broke every single game record for tackles in College Football, and did it with style. On the field, he was a feared and menacing opponent who would go Captain Insano and pummell you, but off the field he was as gentle as could be. Just don’t make fun of his Mama.
If it weren’t for a devastating knee injury, Gordon Bombay would have been the next Wayne Gretzky. As it were, the Emilio Estevez character became a corporate lawyer sellout and an alcoholic, but after coaching the Mighty Ducks to a championship, he also led Team USA to a Gold Medal. His patented triple deke couldn’t be stopped, and his one-on-one against the coach from Team Iceland taught us that there are more important things than winning, including having sweet hair and banging the girl in the end.
Derice Bannock, played by Leon Robinson, was a world class sprinter who gave up his sure-fire medal hopes to carry the weight of a nation on his back in Cool Runnings, which is surely the best movie made about a Jamaican bobsled team in the history of film. What makes Derice special is not only his otherworldly speed and power on the ice and track, but his willingness to put the team and others above his own personal gain, surely a sign of athletic greatness, and the reason he climbs to number seven on the list.
Woody Harrelson is Roy Munson, a child bowling prodigy who won the Iowa State Championships, and his first professional tourney before having his hand amputated for his part in a bowling alley hustle. Even as an amputee, Munson still manages to come within one pin of beating Ernie “Big Ern” McCracken, brilliantly played by Bill Murray, in the bowling championship at the end of Kingpin. For his perseverance and near dominance of the game despite his handicap, Roy Munson lands at number eight.
When the men went off to fight in WW2, the women stayed behind and kept the great American pastime alive. This is the premise of A League of Their Own, which follows the Rockford Peaches as they travel the country in the all girls baseball league assembled. Although the character portrayed by Geena Davis is surely based off a real life woman, there is no way she was as dominant as D.H., who crouched behind the plate, and controlled the entire game, not just with her bat, but with her leadership as well. A great movie with a great fictional athlete as the lead.
A truly amazing golfer. In the first Caddyshack, he displays his outrageous skill by golfing blind-folded, and in the second, Ty has totally surpassed every person on the planet in terms of golfing skills, and has devised his own game that is played completely indoors. On top of all, that, he is a Zen master who dispenses wisdom to those around him so they too can someday be as great as he is. Chevy Chase’s best role, and the best all-time fake golfer round out the Top Ten Fictional Athletes.
