After for sure getting divorced, then maybe not getting divorced, and now back up to pretty sure getting divorced, Madonna has all but signed and sealed the papers after the LA Times reported that baseball superstar Alex Rodriguez has been making late night visits to her New York home.

This story is bullshit. A-Rod is a miracle worker. Anyone who can get a senior citizen to stay up past the end of Jeopardy should be hailed as a visionary. Plus, he has a wife and two kids, and we all know that good-looking professional athletes that have kajillions of dollars never cheat on their wives. And they don’t make condoms strong enough to protect his junk from the sandpaper-walled death trap that is Madonna’s box.

See the only cool thing Madonna has ever done -