…seriously, though, only if you have money.

Okay, maybe I’m jaded. Actually, I’m jealous. Some dude here in New York won $3 million on a rinky dink scratch card — and then gave it to a church. This saddens me, the same way it saddens me when crazy old people leave tons of money to their pets. So, to alleviate my depression — brought on solely by the fact that I will never, ever make $3 million, unless my girl parts turn to gold in the middle of the night and I can go walk the high class ho stroll — I’ve crafted a conspiracy.

No, really. The church is a non profit church. They likely will not have to pay any taxes for this windfall. And I think the pastor is in secret cahoots with Mr. Anonymous donor, because it makes me feel better.

I want you guys to feel depressed and poor too. There is a video and some Prozac waiting for you -

(Except I was lying about the Prozac. Ha ha!)