The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Movie Showdown is a little late this week because it takes time to think of the proper hateful adjectives to describe these two steaming piles. Everybody knows I despise Brendan Fraser, who is the worst, repeat, worst actor in Hollywood, and now everybody else will hate him too, after he ruins the only entertaining films he ever made by finishing off The Mummy franchise with Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which despite a quality trailer, looks like a joke. Jet Li is sweet and this movie will open big, but will fold like a cheap lawn chair after week one due to poor word of mouth.

Swing Vote

This movie WILL blow. If it weren’t for Field of Dreams I would hunt Kevin Costner down and kick him repeatedly in the junk. Unles you LOVE American politics, or have a hard on for Kelsey Grammer, and who could blame you, I would avoid this movie, and any other movie opening this weekend like the plague. That’s an anology we should update too, there is no plague anymore. Avoid them like AIDS. That’s more generation appropriate. I think. Swing Vote will make some money in the Southern U.S., but will flop like a caught fish everywhere else.

Watch both trailers (more…)

Most prefessional athletes are not only in top-notch condition, but are also A-1 douchebags. Hundred million dollar contracts, and their status as idols to children all over the world, have inflated their ego’s to epic proportions, and I’ve had enough. So I decided to pay homage to the great fictional athletes of our generation. These fake, albeit stunning individuals who shot and scored their way in to our hearts are honored in order below.

Find out if your favorite fake athlete made the cut (more…)

Far be it from me to repeat myself insofar as posting movie trailers, but … it’s Saw V. It is Saw V with Tobin Bell even though the beloved, sadistic, yet oddly philanthropic Jigsaw is dead.

The premise: someone discovers Hoffman’s secret, so naturally, he goes on a manhunt filled with a gleefully gruesome array of terror traps and torture devices. People are saying that Saw V is evocative of the original, with an evolution of blood, guts, and gore. Set, of course, to come out in later October of this year, it’ll be in theatres just in time for Halloween.

Jigsaw/John is the only movie madman who was ever able to steal away even a sliver of my undying devotion for Anthony Hopkin’s sauve, rasping Hannibal Lecter. Although a lot of folks are probably getting tired of the Saw movies, I myself find them a thrilling mix of artistic tone and an almost romantically morbidity.

Still, the teaser trailer is absolutely haunting. See for yourself (more…)

Well, too bad. The trailer got leaked during a recent Comicon, it was all over the place. And then, Marvel canned it. Of course they did. Why should they want to make us happy? Go ahead, look for it on YouTube. All you’re going to see is a bunch of messages telling you that the videos have been taken down due to a copyright claim by a third party. In other words, you just got reamed without the courtesy of a reach-around, and you’re just going to have to wait.

Strictly on the down low, though? If you do a little digging, you can find them on some alternative video hosting sites.

Of course, for the love of Gambit and Wolverine, I guess I could be a little sneaky (more…)

With all they hype surrounding comic book movies these days, it’s easy to forget the genre’s retarded. red-headed step brother: movies based on video games. There have been some good (Lara Croft: Tombraider, Resident Evil), and there have been some bad (pretty much everything else, but most notably Bloodrayne and House of the Dead), but it looks like they are on the upswing, with some films that have major talent on board scheduled to be released in the upcoming year, including Prince of Persia with Jake Gyllenhall, and a Street Fighter follow up that focuses on Chun-Li, starring Smallville alumni Kristin Kreuk.

The cream of the crop appears to be Max Payne. The game is already heavily influenced by the John Woo style of cinema, and is even referenced in the first version. The gritty, film noir elements in the third person shooter should also lend themselves to a cinematic adaptation. Marky Mark is slated to star in the lead role, and having the uber-sexy Mila Kunis attached couldn’t hurt either.

Watch the Max Payne trailer (more…)

Almost all good movies are adapted from good books. Just ask Walt Disney, who built an empire by pilfering the classics and transporting them on to the silver screen.

After the movie, there’s always some pretentious asshole who has read the book too, and he’s like ‘the book was far superior.’ Yeah, well you know what I liked about the movie? It was two hours long and didn’t require any reading, so fuck that guy. But sometimes he’s right, and a good book is just raped and ruined by it’s film counterpart to the point of no return. So we’ll take a look at some of the worst offenders of bad movies made from good books.

Start the list (more…)

Step Brothers is coming out this weekend, which stars Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly as you guessed it, step-brothers, who are forced to get along when their parents marry. There have been a lot of brother-brother combinations in movies, and on the heels of what I think will be another noteworthy fraternal pairing, we examine the greatest brother teams in film history.

See the complete list (more…)

Step Brothers

I’m afraid they showed the funniest bits in the trailers, which is the worst. Nothing sucks more than knowing the funniest line in a comedy before it happens. But other than that, how can you argue with the comedic duo that brought you Talladega Nights. Will Ferrell is the fucking man, and John C. Reilly, though troll like, is also hilarious despite that Dewey Cox movie.

X-Files: I Want to Believe

X-Files will lose out to Step Brothers at the box office, but it’s loyal and far spreading fan base will ensure that the film will be a financial success. David Duchnovy is sort of a douche as evidence from his last name, and Gillian Anderson has never been anybody but Agent Scully which is weird, but the show is pretty twisted and it’s been a long time in the making so it should be bearable.

Both trailers can be seen (more…)

Beloved bear and accomplished animal actor Ali-oop, has passed away. The cuddly Kodiak appeared in numerous films, most notably Dr. Dolittle 2, and was known for his trademark kiss, where he would stick his tongue out and let anybody give him a smooch.

The passing of Ali-oop sheds light on the ongoing plight of non-human performers. Often overwoked, underfed, and never given ample recognition for their contribution to films. So besides from Ali-oop, we’ll toast a few more animal thespians who more often than not, shine brighter than their on-screen, homo-sapien counterparts.

See the list of greatest animal actors (more…)

Heath Ledger has created serious critical buzz for his portrayal as The Joker in The Dark Knight, and there are even talks of him being awarded an Oscar posthumously for his work in the film. This made me consider other actors who have shined on the silver screen long after their lives were cut short, and led me to compile a list of the five greatest ever movie performances delivered from beyond the grave.

See the list (more…)

I don’t know anything about Watchmen outside the fact that it is an insanely popular graphic novel that is about to be turned in to an insanely popular film. The effects look sick, their isn’t some huge Hollywood name hogging the screen, and the trailer doesn’t show all the best parts of the movie.

See for yourelf (more…)

THE DARK KNIGHT

Christian Bale as Batman is going to smash Meryl Streep back to the Deer Hunter this weekend in Movie Showdown. They could make this movie in Lego and people would still go see it over Mamma Mia!

The Dark Knight Trailer (more…)