Roseanne – yes, the large, loud mouthed housewife who had her shot of glory back in the bygone days of the ’80s — is talking smack about Brangelina. Yes, both of them. God knows, having been married to Tom Arnold, she has every right in the world to call Brad Pitt “vacuous.” Even if it’s true.

People are outraged at this. I think it’s funny. She basically comes out and calls Angelina a baby factory, referring to her biological children as “dunces” who will go on to ruin the world (which you heard here first — twice — thank you very much) and calling her philanthropic efforts “crap.”

Of course it’s not going to be that funny when Angelina retaliates by adopting Roseanne’s children.

There are two kinds of lesbians. The first kind is the Portia De Rossi lesbian. The type of lesbian you’re sorry changed teams. The second type of lesbian is the Ellen Degeneres lesbian. She is pretty much a dude in every way except having a dong. She’s even funny, which is extremely rare for women. Name ten in the whole world. I dare you.

There are also two types of diabetes. And diabetes is no joke. Just ask Wilford Brimley. (more…)

On Sunday, August 16, Ellen Degeneres and Portia de Rossi finally tied the knot in Los Angeles, where the California turn around has made gay marriages legal. Reports are scant but the pictures clearly show that both lovely ladies were glowing. Definitely a better match up for the talk show queen than the gender-fickle Anne Heche. Plus, in addition to being too gorgeous for words, Portia de Rossi definitely isn’t as crazy as a shithouse mouse.

The harmony in the Playboy Bunny Mansion has been disrupted. There is discord. There is uproar. There is a hot ass brunette from the Ukraine named Dasha Astafieva breaking the big blonde mold over at Hef’s place. Hell, with a body like that, she breaks the mold, period.

The Bunnies are bitching but Hugh Hefner’s tastes are clearly getting better with age.

Sorry for the black boxes, boyos, but get the keyboard guard ready all the same, right (more…)

I repeat — wtf? How the hell does pale, scrawny, cantankerous Noel Gallagher even have the balls to take on Jay Z? Before I get slammed, let me just say a couple of things: I spent my angsty teenage years listening to Oasis. I still do. Let me also say that I am complete Eurotrash. I should have been born British. That being said, seriously, how the crap does this even happen? What the hell was the late 90s answer to frigging Morrissey thinking, saying a thing about this guy who often looks like he’s thinking about eating your soul?

I don’t even know what the crap happened here. It started with Noel talking smack about guitars. And why? Why take that risk?

I think it’s probably because he knew the worst Jay Z would do was write a song about their beef. Which, really, just gets people talking about Oasis again. So good job, Noel. You might want to be careful about Amy Winehouse, though. She could bite you for going after her, and then you’re running the risk of getting rabies, syphilis, hepatitis, et cetera… haha!

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up.

NOW GET OVER IT. I never want to hear or see the word “Mayniston” ever again. Or “Johnnifer.” Or any of the other cutesy, gay assed little monikers the media creates. It stopped being clever the 5498509568th time someone said “Bennifer.”

I hope no one’s surprised. I know, I know. He’s a man whore, she’s a clingy almost middle aged relationship addict, how could it not last.

Still though, she’s got the cutest ass for a woman her age, check it out (more…)

This is Steve Guttenberg. He is a second banana (literally) and a huge douche.

This is Steve Guttenberg throwing a banana at the paparazzi — like that other guy, because this dick’s never had an original thought in his peroxided head.

If you remember who he is at all (Policy Academy 1-400, Three Men and an Obnoxious Little Kid 1-2, various other craptacular movies, et cetera), then perhaps you share my confusion. Why would anyone want pictures of him in the first place?

Today’s motto: if your name is Steve Guttenberg and the press is still interested in taking pictures of you, be happy and rejoice because it is clearly an anamoly that will never take place again.

“Once upon a time there was a retard…” — except you can’t actually say that, which is why Ben Stiller and DreamWorks quit using it as a tagline. Even though it was awesome.

I’m sorry, I like offensive humor. I think it’s great. Groups for the disabled and minorities do not agree, because after a screening of Tropic Thunder, they’re pretty friggin’ outraged. I have a problem with this, though. The main issue here seems to be that Ben Stiller is playing a “simple” guy — yet, it was fine for Leonardo DiCaprio to do it in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape? I mean, little Leo was made for that role, sure, but c’mon. Were his spastic gestures and cries of “I’m a big boy!” not offensive? Even a little?

And Robert Downey, Jr. in black face. It’s a role. If Shawn and Marlon Wayans are allowed to be ass ugly white chicks huge piece of crap, then let Iron Man present an extreme demonstration of the kind of douche baggery some actors will go through just to make bank.

Protest the double standard by watching the trailer (more…)

Bernie Mac at 50. Isaac Hayes at 65.

Bernie Mac was a true king of comedy, just because of the spirit behind his performances. Isaac Hayes was a legend, simply put.

Whether you liked either man’s brand of art or not, you have to respect them for what they’ve done and how they’ve done it. As such, I invite you to take a moment to remember and to laugh, (more…)

Two posts in one day, I know, but clearly I do not keep up on the news and this crazy crap caught me by surprise. So I had to go read some of the veritable thousands of Clay Aiken news stories suddenly spreading like the herpes all over the place.

I have two words for you: artificial insemination. I’d compare him to Michael Jackson, except Clay’s baby-mama is … somewhat attractive. Plus (are you ready?) — they’re best friends! Awww. That means she’s his hag! I was all ready to drop my Clay is Gay soapbox — just because, god, be up front about it, would you? Doogie Howser came out and it’s the most awesome thing ever — Lance Bass even got a book out of it and sorry, Mr. American Idol, but even the boy-bands are more socially acceptable than your crooning.

Plus I mean … check out this crap (more…)

Clay Aiken and partner Jaymes Foster have welcomed a son, Parker, in to the world. For those of you who don’t know, Jaymes Foster is a woman, repeat, a woman, and is not a man. As in Clay Aiken apparently isn’t gay and at some point had to sperm this Jaymes lady to get her going. I know. Shocking. I had just assumed all these years. At least now I know why all those letters I mailed him came back return to sender.

Boobs are great. They’re wonderful. They make the world a better place. But sometimes the dirtypillows are just a little bit overrated. You’ve heard the latest Christina Aguilera “scandal,” right? It’s like some people see “Christina,” “naked,” and “boobs” in the same sentence and they start salivating like Pavlov’s dogs.

You see that up there? That’s what all the frigging fuss is about — Pamela Anderson looks raunchier than Christina in the bare ass, and yet everybody’s busting a nut over this crap. Dude, this is a girl who posed naked on countless movie covers while swollen with progeny. She’s maybe more tasteful than the rest of the blonde brigade, but everybody’s been there, everybody’s done that, everybody’s seen it. If anything, this is one of the most tasteful pictures she’s done.

So stfu! I promise you, she just had a baby, they probably reach her knees by now — chill!