Scarlett Johansson and funnyman Ryan Reynolds tied the knot in a secret ceremony at a remote Canadian resort last weekend.

Guaranteed he got her piss drunk off Canadian beer and maple syrup and tricked her. Scarlett promised she would wait for me. They should really lower the minimum sentence for bestiality.

Oasis was playing a festival in Toronto over the weekend when an angry fan attacked the lead singer of the popular British band. About halfway through their set, the outraged festival goer climbed on stage and knocked Noel Gallagher to the ground before being wrangled by security and later being arrested. The band continued their set after a brief hiatus following the incident.

Finally. They probably started butchering Wonderwall and this drunk Canadian snapped and decided to go on a murder suicide mission to spare the world from further torture. If there is any band in the world who deserves to be shit kicked more than Oasis, I haven’t heard of them yet.

Watch Noel get his ass kicked (more…)

In Texas, a man in a wheelchair entered a 7-11 armed with a bat and a knife. He beat the register until it opened, but didn’t take any cash. Instead, the crippled bandit made off with a large amount of condoms, and an energy drink. Police suspect the individual was under the influence at the time.

I don’t know how the police in Texas can assume he was drunk, in fact he sounds alarmingly sober. He wanted to get his fuck on but he didn’t have any rubbers, so he stole them. Knowing he would be worn out from all the robbing, he smartly took an energy drink to regain some vigor. I for one applaud this man and hope that he and the prositute had a magical afternoon.

David Spade has done it again.

His rep has announced that Spade is now the father of a little girl, born last week to Jillian Grace, a Playboy Playmate with whom he had a brief relationship with. Spade plans to be fully involved in the life of the child.

David Spade must be wearing Sex Panther or something, cause sixty-percent of the time, he works all the time. Either that or his penis is a foot long and naturally vibrates on high. Or he has a lot of money from a lifetime of hard work and is genuinely funny and is actually a really nice guy when you get to know him. Either way, fuck him.

Brian Fantana tells you what’s up (more…)

This movie was shot entirely in Bangkok with an all Thai crew, and was directed by twin Chinese brothers. There will be lots of gunfights and neck breaking and motorcycle chases, but very little substance, and a lot of Nicolas Cage’s stupid nasally voice spitting out terrible one-liners after shooting an Asian. Bangkok Dangerous will be Bangkok Horrible. Guaranteed.

I never even heard of this movie until I checked to see what was coming out this weekend. It’s about a guy who pretends not to be Italian so he can keep his new girlfriend. How could I not have heard of it?!????

You really want to watch the trailers (more…)

Vladimir Putin went to Serbia so he could join some researchers tracking tigers or some lie along those lines, and ended up saving everybody’s life by shooting an attacking tiger with a tranquilizer dart.

I don’t believe this story for one single second. Russians are pretty much known for three things; vodka, anorexic women, and propaganda. I’m not saying Vladimir Putin isn’t top three tiger hunters in the world, but c’mon. these guys are in charge of tracking tigers and they can’t tag one with a tranquilizer? It’s all a conspiracy to make the Russians look strong and the Ukraine appear weak. Ukraine is not weak!

Watch Putin footage (more…)

Leighton Meester, who is in some show called Gossip Girl or something, was born in the slammer. Apparently her mother was doing time in federal prison for her part in large scale drug ring, and was only allowed to visit a halfway home to give birth before returning to the big house. Leighton’s father, aunt and grandfather also reportedly did hard time on drug convictions. Leighton was raised by a close relative, who is apparently the only person she shares a last name with that isn’t a felon.

This just made her about ten times hotter somehow. When I figure it out I’ll let you know, but there is just something about a girl who is a nine out of ten at least, is on the cusp of uber-fame, and was born in a prison to a dope peddling criminal that gets my banana peeled.

Josh Hartnett was busted porking some random girl in a hotel library yesterday when he failed to notice security cameras were rolling while he and his female-friend/whore-groupie got busy amongst the books.

When I heard this, at first I was angry. Why do Hollywood hunks like Josh Hartnett get to bone all the hot young women (I’m assuming) in hotel libraries? Then I got sad. Poor Josh Hartnett, it’s not his fault he’s incredibly good looking and random young hot women pull him in for quickies in hotel libraries. Then I got really confused. Hotel library? Don’t we have enough libraries taking up valuable space all over the planet as it is, now they have to invade upscale European hotels too. Hopefully this story sheds some much needed light on the issue of over librafication, and the problems it can cause in all of our lives. Just ask Josh Hartnett.